Address to Microsoft and The Development Community
Wrote this a few years back; I never posted it for some reason. I have been working on my blog entry for the PDC contest which is a parody of the Gettysburg Address and I thought I would post this for laughs.
<Disclaimer>
This is a parody of the
speech given by George W. Bush on September 20, 2001. This is in no way a political statement or meant to
bring disrespect to the original speech which can be found
here; which is considered by many (both democrat and
republican) to be one of the most important speeches of
the past 100 years.
</Disclaimer>
Mr. Gates, Mr. Ballmer, employees of Microsoft, and my fellow developers
In the normal course of events, Speakers come to this podium to report on the state of our community; Tonight, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by the development masses.
We have seen it in the courage of coders, who toiled
night and day to serialize their thoughts that we might be
enlightened. Coders like Chris Brumme. Please welcome his
wife here with us tonight, she has come in his place
because Chris was exhausted after his last blog post.
(Applause)
We have seen the state of our community in the endurance of developers, working past exhaustion. We have seen the rollout of Active Directories, the stability of Windows, the giving of shadow copies, the development of localized versions in Hebrew and Arabic. We have seen the efficiency of a hard working and gifted people who made making other people’s lives better, the purpose of their own.
My fellow developers, for the last few years the entire
world has seen the state of our community and it is
STRONG!
(Applause)
Tonight we are a community awakened to security dangers
and called to defend quality. Our complacency has turned
to vulnerability, and our vulnerabilities to targets.
Whether we defeat this enemy with superior quality or
expose their lack there-of; quality will be our sword!
(Applause)
I thank Mr. Ballmer for his leadership at such an important time. All developers were touched when we viewed the video of you standing before a crowd and pouring out your heart (and sweat) by clapping and chanting “Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, Developers, DEVELOPERS…Yes!” And you did more than chant, you danced across the stage to and old Gloria Estefan song, even hurting yourself, all to provide comic relief to the IT masses.
Mr. Gates, Mr. Ballmer, Mr. Allchin and Mr. Scoble. I
thank you for your friendship and for your leadership and
service to the community.
(Applause)
And on behalf of the Microsoft development community, I thank the computing world for its outpouring of support. We will never forget the site of C# code compiling under BSD, or running under Mono.
Redmond will not forget the South Korean children gathering to play Xbox outside our Headquarters in Seoul. We will not forget the deployment of windows in government offices all across Germany, Australia and Latin America.
Nor will we forget the citizens of 80 different nations
who have helped to bring us to this place in history.
Dozens of Pakistanis, more than 130 Israelis, more than
250 citizens of India, men and women from El Salvador,
Iran, Mexico and Japan and hundreds of British citizens.
The community has great diversity and we thank you all for
your support.
(Applause)
Once again we are joined together in a great cause
– we are so honored tonight to have Miquel De Icaza who
has crossed a digital divide to show his unity of purpose
with us. Thank you for coming friend.
(Applause)
Not long ago, enemies of quality and capitalism conspired to destroy our community. We have known attempts like this before, but for the past 25+ years, they have been feeble attempts, except for that federal anti-trust thing. This new threat has materialized quickly and captured the hearts and minds of disestablishmentarianists everywhere, the sun rose one day with the productivity gains of graphical user interfaces, but it threatens to set tonight with the cold blackness of console sessions.
Developers face many questions tonight. They are asking; who is behind this? The evidence we have gathered points to a collection of loosely affiliated unix hacks who masquerade as bit slinging robin hoods; they call themselves ‘Open Sourcers’. They are the same hacks who have systematically attacked us through vulnerability exploits; they have invaded our browser and attacked the core of our infrastructure.
‘Open Sourcers’ is to evil as Bill Gates is to making money. But its goal is not making money; it is remaking the world and imposing its archaic methods on users everywhere.
Open Sourcers are not only repressing the people of the
corporate data centers, they are threatening IT people
everywhere by spreading their lies and deception about
quality and cost. By promoting this anti-capitalist model,
Open Sourcers are committing an act of war against us by
trying to eliminate the concept of intellectual property
and rob us of the treasures our hard work has afforded
us.
And tonight, this community makes the following
demands of the Open Sourcers. Deliver to the proper
authorities all the black hat hackers who dwell in your
chat rooms.
(Applause)
Release the truth
about TCO studies, including how Windows is actually
cheaper than “free” software. Close immediately and
permanently every project on SourceForge that that
threatens the security computing users everywhere.
(Applause)
Give
SCO a full and fair trial so that they might have a chance
to prove how you have infringed on their intellectual
property.
These demands are not open to negotiation
or discussion.
(Applause.)
They must
act, and act immediately. They will hand over these
despots and reveal the truth or they will share in their
fate.
I also want to speak tonight directly to the
IT workers throughout the world. We respect your work.
Your work has changed the world forever. Because of your
effort and innovation, businesses can move forward and
focus on their line of business and not basic computing
operations.
(Applause)
The anti-capitalist
crowds are traitors, they are trying to rollback the hands
of progress to create a cumbersome and elitist environment
where only they can survive, this makes them feel needed
and good about themselves. BUT this community will not
stand by and let this happen
(Applause)
Our enemy is not IT workers
but it is the radical network of hackers and slashdotters;
and any company who supports them.
(Applause).
This war begins with the Linux followers of Open Sourcers
but it does not end there. It will not end until every
such group of global reach has been found, stopped and
defeated.
(Applause).
Developers are asking, why do they hate us? They hate what we see right here in this chamber, a group of developers from all walks of life who focus on making people’s lives better through technology. Their leaders are elitists; they hate our goals and despise our rapid progress.
They want to take computing back to the dark ages, where managers where beholden to the IT staff and users had no hope of utilizing technology as a tool to be more effective.
These despots not only want to destroy this community but
disrupt and end our way of thinking. With every day that
passes they hope that Corporate America buys into their
lies of quality and cost. They stand against us, because
we stand in their way.
We are not deceived by
their pretenses to piety. We have seen their kind
before. They are the heirs of all the ignorant and
self-serving ideologies of the computing age. By
sacrificing quality and ease of use, they seek to stroke
their egotistical sub-conscious in a twisted power grab.
They are on a terrible path and will follow that path to
where it ends, in histories unmarked grave of discarded
lies.
(Applause)
Developers are asking:
How will we fight and win this war. We will direct every
resource at our command, every means lawful, and every
bright mind that will join us, every instrument of
security, every financial influence and every necessary
method of marketing to ensure that corporate America knows
the truth and we have defeated this global network.
This
war will not be like the browser war a decade ago, with an
overwhelming and decisive victory. It will not look like
any war we have seen before. Our response involves far
more than instant retaliation and isolated strikes.
Developers should not expect one battle, but a lengthy
campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen. It may
include dramatic new steps, some visible and some not,
many secret even in success. We will turn them one against
another, expose their lies until there is no longer a CIO
in the world who is misguided by their propaganda. We will
pursue companies that support them, and strike at their
bottom line by producing better products – We have seen
this already with SQL Server. The simple truth of the
matter is, you are either with us or against us, you
believe in capitalism or you don’t.
(Applause)
Our community has been put on notice, we are not immune
from attack. We will take defensive measures against this
new threat to protect users everywhere. Today, thousands
of people are working tirelessly at Microsoft and with our
partners; they join hundreds of third parties all with the
responsibility of protecting users. These efforts must be
coordinated at the highest level. So tonight I announce
the creation of a Medinah-level position reporting
directly to Bill and Steve, the Trusted Computing
group.
And tonight I also announce a
distinguished American to lead this effort to strengthen
our security, a true geek and trusted friend to all –
Scott Charney. He will lead, oversee and coordinate a
comprehensive technical strategy to safeguard all users
against this electronic terrorism and to any attacks that
may come.
These measures are essential. But the only way to defeat
these despots and end their threat to our way of like is
to stop them and make them see the err of their ways.
Many
will be involved in this effort, from antivirus vendors to
white hat hackers to the support engineers and all others
called to active duty. They all deserve our thanks and
prayers. Tonight, I have a message for all of you – be
ready. I have called you to alert and there is a reason.
The hour is coming when we will act and the world will see
our LongHorn of justice and you will make us proud.
(Applause)
This
is not however, just Microsoft’s fight. What is at stake
is not just our immense fortunes. This is capitalisms
fight. This is civilizations fight. This is the fight of
all who believe in progress and usability, in lower TCO
and manageability. We ask every technical person to join
us. We will ask, and we will need, the help of system
engineers, knowledge workers and support techs around the
world. Microsoft is grateful that many ISVs and many other
organizations have already responded with their full
support. Groups from Latin America to Asia to Africa to
Europe and even some in the Unix world. They have joined
with us to make it clear, an attack on capitalism is an
attack on all who believe in working hard to create a
better world.
Industry from all over the economic spectrum is rallying
to our side. They understand that if this goes
unchallenged that their own businesses and employees may
be next. This reckless disregard for intellectual
property, hard work and financial incentives if left to go
on unanswered can not only bring down companies, it can
threaten the stability of economies and governments. And
you know what – we’re not going to allow it.
(Applause)
Developers
are asking: What is expected of us? I ask you to live your
lives, but refactor your code. I know many of you have
fears tonight, and I ask you to be calm and resolute even
in the face of a continuing threat.
I ask you to
uphold the values that got you where you are and remember
why you and so many others came here, because our vision
is one of simplicity and elegance and making business
better. We are in a fight for our principles, and our
first responsibility is to live by them. No one should be
singled out for unfair treatment or unkind words because
they post code for free.
(Applause)
I ask
you to continue to support the victims of electronic
terrorism; those who want to help can go to www.microsoft.com/security
to find the names of groups in and out of Microsoft
helping to fight this battle.
I ask for your
patience, with the delays and inconveniences that may
accompany tighter security; and for your patience in what
will be a long struggle.
I ask your continued
participation and confidence in Microsoft technologies.
Open Sourcers are attacking the fountain of our
prosperity. We however are successful because of the hard
work, and creativity, and enterprise of our people. These
were the true strengths of our community before this war
began, and they are our strengths today.
(Applause.)
Tonight I thank you all in this community for
what you have already done and for what you will do.
Tonight, we face new and sudden challenges. We will come
together to improve security, to dramatically reduce the
number of vulnerabilities in our code, and take new
measures to prevent future breaches. We will come
together to promote stability and to make five nines
reliability a common place occurrence. (Applause.)
We will come together to give Windows the additional
tools it needs to protect itself from attacks in our homes
and offices.
(Applause.)
We will come
together to strengthen our intrusion prevention
capabilities to know the plans of hackers before they act,
and find them before they strike.
(Applause.)
We will come together to take active steps
that strengthen our community, and put our people back to
work.
It is natural to wonder if our future is one of fear.
Some speak of an age of hacking and anti-capitalism. I
know there are struggles ahead, and dangers to face. But
this community will define our times, not be defined by
them. As long as the Microsoft development community is
determined and strong, this will not be an age of
electronic terror; this will be an age of economic growth
and enhanced productivity, here and across the world.
(Applause.)
Great harm has been done to us.
We have suffered great loss. And in our grief and anger
we have found our mission and our moment. Greatness and
mediocrity are at war. The advances of quality and
productivity-- the great achievement of our time, and the
great hope of every time -- now depends on us. Our
community -- this generation -- will lift a dark threat of
despair from our people and our future. We will rally the
world to this cause by our efforts, by our courage. We
will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.
(Applause.)
It is my hope that in the
months and years ahead, computing will return almost to
normal. We'll go back to our games and chat rooms, and
that is good. Even grief recedes with time and grace.
But our resolve must not pass. Each of us will remember
what has happened to our community. We'll remember the
moment Code Red came-- where we were and what we were
doing. Some will remember an image of a server crashing,
or a story of overflowing inbox. Some will carry memories
of an attachment that ruined the day. And I will carry
this: It is the bandwidth report from a DDOS attack on my
computer. It was given to me by my accountant just before
he paid the hosting bill. This is my reminder of wasted
money, and a war that does not end.
(Applause.)
I will not forget this wound to our community
or those who inflicted it. I will not yield; I will not
rest; I will not relent in waging this struggle for
freedom and security for the people of our community.
The course of this conflict is not known, yet its
outcome is certain. Greatness and mediocrity have always
been at war, and we know that the market will bear out
this truth, that quality will be the measuring stick of
choice.
Fellow developers, we'll meet violence
with patient justice -- assured of the rightness of our
cause and confident of the victories to come. In all that
lies before us, may God grant us wisdom, and may He watch
over the Microsoft development community. Thank you.
(Applause.)