Someone pointed this out to me the other day.  Its an auto-responder email he received....

If you so happen to be reading this automated e-mail message and you are one of those bulk e-mail bottomfeeders that I've somehow attracted to this account, I would at this time like to take a moment to implore you to kindly piss right the eff off please with your pointlessly, ill-conceived attempt at making a quick buck offa me.  Put simply, your efforts with me are nothing more than a waste of both of our time and effort for the following mentioned reasons, which are...first, that as long as I have any sense of self worth I will never register with any sort of a dating service you're running, since they are all nothing short of being quasi-humane societies, except instead of finding a loving home for an unwanted pet, you're dealing with unwanted people.  Not to mention there being this (unfortunate) lack of a euthanasia procedure for those miserable souls that no one wanted to bring home for keeps whom so happen to remain with the agency for just too long of a time.  In a nutshell, they're for desperate and ugly people as well as convicted felons looking for something more than a same sex relationship upon their anticipated parole.  Also, I'm quite certain that i'll never go bald, i have no interest in consolidating my interest, and the last thing i need is any kind of a damn diet.  Lastly, I am pleasantly relieved to be able to say that I am more than content with what i've been blessed to be packin due to something wonderfully selfless I must have done in a previous life, so please, point those measly extra three inches you're always boasting about elsewhere. 

With that said, if this so happens to not be the typical spam e-mail i've been so cursed with getting, then I must humbly offer you my sincerest apologies for the preceeding words and would hope that I at the very least kept you entertained whilst reading thru this somewhat revealing schpeel.  And I will (in time) respond to all of my personal e-mails from only those friends of mine who took the time to share something meaningful or even slightly interesting tales about their lives with me. Thank you my friend. 

Oh, and I almost forgot, there is yet one final bit of instruction for all those involved here, the very last (and infinitely most important) topic which absolutely must be addressed to even my dearest friends sending e-mails this way.  And it goes like this...if you ever so much as dare send me any form of chain-mail crap imploring me to take any kind of action that I normally would never do, such as having to forward what I've just read to ten people that I'd otherwise prefer to maintain a level of respect with, yet to not do as this carbon copy superstitious wankery tells me to, will result in me facing a certain wrath which is usually embedded in a threat that will bring forth great disaster with my love life, sex life, or anything at all having to do with my personal life (including the afterlife)...on my word, all of those e-mailing offenders will promptly be put over my knee and whooped like a rotten little bastard stepchild the next time I get you in my crosshairs.  Though to digress for a moment, as I would like to think the friends I choose are instinctively far wiser than anyone else that would spend more than a half a second on such drivel, let alone forward it on to me as well. 

Thus in conclusion, after finally having said all that, thank you ever-so-graciously for taking your valuable time to read this...and may good fortune be with you, always...forever and ever...amen...bitches.

1 Comment

• Jason Salas said Thursday, August 12, 2004 3:09:00 PM

  Dude! Forget the current presidential candidates...you got my vote. :)
  
  Great comments...this is definetly print-and-post worthy.
  
  Jas